Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Uncle Bigfoot

  Bigfoot or Bigfeet? Depends whether it's one or more than one. In our case just one, I think. At one of our latest camping trips we were attacked. No, not by Bigfoot, ants. My four year old was getting nervous and was sitting on my lap by the camp fire. "Dad, why are there so many stink'n ants?" Oh yeah, he just had to ask. Open the door and invite misery upon yourself son. "Well Brock, I'll tell ya".
  Let the story begin as it was explained to my youngest. I proceeded to tell my son that the ants live in the belly hair of a Bigfoot. That the Bigfoot would use them for defense by throwing them at their enemy. But not just any Bigfoot. Their uncle Bigfoot. Uncle Dale. I told him that his uncle Dale was a Bigfoot and his grandma Mary shaved him when he was a little Bigfoot boy which let the ants loose at Beverly Beach camp ground where they were camping. Where we just happened to be camping that weekend.
  There is only a couple of things left to say. Sorry Dale, love ya. But the funniest is, my mom is visiting and Brock asked her if this was true. She set things straight by saying .........."Yes Brock, That's what happened". My boy's response, "Huh. I did not know that!"
  The verdict is still out on Doug and Rick Buckets. I will update as we find out.

Hey Lisa! Do you want popcorn?!

  Hey Lisa, do you want some popcorn? That is a question my oldest niece always answers no to when asked by me. Why do you ask? Well, I have always been a trouble maker no matter what anybody says, and no one is safe.
  Some years ago, not sure of how many now, we had a family get together at my moms house. All involved decided to watch a movie and what goes with a movie? POPCORN! Unless DQ is close by then have a malt and wish you stuck to your diet you of low self esteem and no accountability. So, I decided to help make popcorn and dish it out. Everyone was taken a bowl and having a good time. Well, as good a time you can have around family. Five minutes later, as a couple of us are snickering to ourselves, Lisa exclaims EEEWWWWW! YUUUCK!
  HA! HA! Okay. Now for the fill in. I in the midst of being innocent as always, had filled Lisa's bowl full of popcorn. Right, no harm yet. Then I ran the bowl of popcorn under the faucet until the popcorn was damp. Okay saturated. I then topped the bowl of with fresh, dry popcorn and delivered it to my unsuspecting niece Lisa. Waiting patiently for the pay off, it was all worth it.
  Aaaaawwwwww the wonderful memories. Lisa has never forgotten and nor have I. Thanks for the laughs Lisa! Your loving uncle Don.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

99 cent teethbrushes at Ikea?!

  99 cent teethbrushes at Ikea?! Ooohhhhh boy! Yes I said teethbrushes, as all members of my family have a mouthful of teeth, not just a tooth. As we walked on a joyful and extremely enlightening journey through Ikea,( sarcasm for those who don't know me), we stumbled upon this sale. I told all my kids to pick one so they don't have to share anymore and we took pictures of the wonderful act. After we took pictures I instructed my mini-me's to put them back and I will close with a quote from Brock, my youngest. "But dad, why can't we get them?! We need new toothes brushes to brushes our teeth's!" Love you Brock!
  There are pictures to follow as I am still speechless for this. 


Oh won't you scream for me

  Oh won't you scream for me. Few have, many never will. This isn't so much a harassment against my kids, as it is towards my wife. For someone that likes to watch scary movies and claims not to believe in certain "undead" beings, she has brought many laughable moments to my childish existence.
  If you are familiar with the "Scream" series you will get this, if not, I suggest you go rent all 4 and watch them for some mildly entertaining and comical times. Please do not let anyone under, say 7, watch these as it may keep you awake all night coping.
  First is the Scream mask. Second, a hanger that is bent straight,( do not use plastic or wood hangers as it will be my next blog report as to your ignorance). Third, bend the hanger so it goes through the eyes on one end and makes a hook on the other. Fourth, a closet, dark room or bathroom that an individual of your choice frequents. Fifth, hang said mask by hanger in chosen room at eye level to the victim. I know right, makes you laugh just thinking of the pee stained pants already!
  This task, not including pee, as my wife seems to have abnormal control of her bladder, has been deployed several times to the amusement of my kids and mine alike.
  Heather, I love you and thank you for making me laugh.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What would you do for a dollar?

  Hi to those that care and have the ability to read, and to those that can't read but wish you could. These are examples of what I get my kids to do for a dollar. Willingly they volunteer and rarely succeed.
  The first is a challenge where they needed to follow the instructions I had to do for physical therapy.
First place your arm in hot water (110 degrees) for 5 minutes then place the same arm in water filled with ice ( roughly on the verge of freezing) for 2.5 minutes. Repeat 3x. This was never accomplished by my clones. Then I raised the bounty to $5 if they could hold their breath as long as I could while putting their head under water in the ice water. Sounds easy but it is rather sober and numbing. Needless to say I walked away with my money.
  The second was a food challenge. For a dollar they had to drink one of three things that I got to choose and in the quantity I chose. Tapatio hot sauce @ 1/4 cup, red whine vinegar @ 1/3 cup or rice vinegar @ 1/3 cup. First taker was my 9 year old for a 1/3 cup red whine vinegar. After 2 tries he succeeded and earned his dollar but not until after 4 false runs to the bathroom to hurl. You make me proud Cale! The other three didn't make it past a sip.
  My daughter then decided she would attempt a 5 dollar bet. At age 11, she was trying to drink a 1/3 cup half red whine vinegar and half Tapatio hot sauce. Doesn't sound like much? She didn't think so either. With roughly a Tbls left, she quit, failed, gave up. So close but yet so far. Love you Morgan! Better luck next time.
 Then my 7 year old tried the same mix. One sip and he folded. Ty, good job on quitting when you knew you were over your head. My 4 year old, well, " no way dad, I'm not doing that!"
  That brings us to this challenge. Another food challenge, well, things in the kitchen used for and next to food. My lovely wife and daughter wanted to go see "Jane Eyre" the movie. "Okay, I will make you guys a drink and if you drink it all you can go". Smiles all around they both agreed. The cocktail included equal parts of: grape juice, maple syrup, red whine vinegar, coffee grounds, molasses, Tapatio hot sauce, spicy brown mustard and horse radish. Yuuummy! They both tried, they both failed. I also tried it to see how good it was and made it no farther than the first sip.
 Just to show that I have a heart, though small, cold and black, I let them go anyway. Yes, you two are welcome.
  When you get the vomit out of your throat, go brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Then be thankful you don't have me around to make your existence better.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Mom, Ghost aren't really real are they?

 Ghost. Are they real? It is up to the individual. My kids said no. Until today that is. At ages 11, 9, 7 and 4 they all had their own opinion that ended up at no. So my twisted little brain started smoking and their world started to implode.
   I downloaded an application to my phone that is suppose to show the unseen on a radar and translate their spoken unheard words. When the phone started to translate and show the ghost location my wonderful offspring began to lose hope of a peaceful day or night. This was the beginning but not the end.
   Discovering another app. (application for those few less savvy then myself), it allows you to speak and change your recorded voice into different sounds. I taught myself to speak backwards and then play the recording backwards so it was correct. When played, it sounded demonic and just happened to be their names.
  At home this was quite entertaining, but out on our bike ride and hike the ghost translator just happened to keep speaking their names. So much that is that my children refused to be around me when the ghost radar was on.
  This was all accomplished by setting the recording as my text alert and having my wonderful wife text me when they would come around.
 In case you are wondering, the "ghost radar classic" and "ultra voice changer " are available at Amazon app. store for free.
  I will say that I have a warped sense of humor and many don't like it, but with that said, my kids are going to bed quickly and quietly after this encounter.
 Please try this and share your kids sleepless nights experience.